Front and Back

By: Jimmy Hackett

What goes into the perfect shower? Many things, and not the least of which is attention to detail. Too many people rush through the shower without giving a second thought to the order in which they wash their body. Perhaps it is the abundance of hot water, of soap, or the always clean towel that allows modern humans to take for granted a practice associated with religious purification.

We belong to a class of animals that has to bathe. If we do not, we begin to smell bad. And when we smell bad,

we become self-conscious, nervous even, leading to more body odor. It is a perpetual cycle on display in the halls of every high school in the country as teenagers begin to accept that part of adjusting to their changing bodies is the need to accept a change in hygiene habits.

But what of the odorous adult? That strange fellow who never seems to notice the fact that he, and if we are to be fair it is almost always a he, smells terrible? What causes such a predicament? Here, the humble listener will have to indulge me. I propose that perhaps one reason such a man exists, is simply due to ignorance. What if they, rather he, were taught the proper course of action?

To begin, we want to let the water run about a minute before entering the shower. Avoid going to the bathroom before getting in the shower. It is best to avoid bringing drips of urine or chunks of feces into a hot, humid environment. 

With the water running, and the shower at a nice temperature, feel free to enter. A key idea in the shower is heat-retention. We want to avoid opening the curtain too wide to keep as much heat inside the shower as possible. With enough practice, you should be able to slide into the shower by hardly moving the curtain at all. And with enough practice, you can also throw the perfect spiral.

Once inside, you want to quickly rinse off the entirety of your body. Front and back. And I cannot stress enough how important it is to rid yourself of the fantasy of showering without getting your hair wet. This isn’t play time. It’s shower time. And in the shower, as in life, some things are out of our control.

Order of operations is important in a shower. So is self-esteem. In fact, half of the heat in a shower comes from self-esteem. It is important to cleanse yourself in a fashion that builds confidence, leaving you to exit the shower an improved version of who you were when you entered. I prefer step one to be my hair and my face. I use a name brand shampoo that comes in a big bottle. I use too much, and I don’t care. And I prefer a bar soap, because I am an idiot. I use a face wash, but I just use whatever my wife happens to be using. A shower is like a bx of chocolates. Eventually, everyone dies.

After I’ve washed my hair and my face, I like to stand backwards in the shower to slick my hair back. In the real world, my hair is too thick to do this, but in the shower, I can be whoever I want to be. In the shower, I can connect with the God-mind. I perceive the ultimate end of humanity as the creation of a just and permanent universe. In the shower, everything becomes clear. In the shower, I am reborn.

With my body nice and wet, I take the bar soap and begin rubbing it over myself. This is not a metaphor. I literally rub a bar of soap all over my body and then rub the residue around to clean myself. If the bar of soap were a dead animal, this would be disgusting. But it’s a bar of soap, so it is completely natural. After the battered and bloody soap bar oozes all over my body, I play in its filth until I’m covered in the frothy remains of its corpse. The bar of soap put up a good fight, and smearing it all over myself is a time-honored primal display of respect. I also use a shower brush to reach my whole body. Front and Back.

With my body covered in suds, and my hair slicked back, I take a moment to look at my ball sack. I connect with the billions of men, alive now, already dead, who also looked at their ball sack in the shower. I take a moment to think about how we all got here. Where we are all going. I take a moment to be thankful for the ride…and the nice water pressure.

I turn off the shower and allow myself to drip dry. Everyone has a good body when they are getting out of a shower. Take a moment to feel good about yourself. When you are ready, exit the shower and grab your towel.

We dry off the way we bathe, the way we strive to do all things. Front and Back.

Thank You.