I Can Do It, In Microsoft Excel

By: Jimmy Hackett 

Who are we? A primitive species clawing for life from the clutches of a cruel world, mocking us at every turn. Who shall we be, among the chaos and ruin? The bloodshed and turmoil. We witness a void, yet conceive a just world that might just be. But only if we make it. The grand project of the perpetual and just universe. But how to we get there?

As always, I ask the humble reader, join me, as I paint a path where the spoils of victory will belong to all of humanity. To all those who observed the raw deal of life as it is. And had the courage to look destiny in the eyes and say, “No. I will carve my own path in this life. Because in this life I can do anything. And I can do it, in Microsoft Excel!”

I will do battle with evil. And my army will be cells, programmed as needed, to bring about calculations in an instant manner. Formatted for clarity. Bolded for bravery. My army of light will vanquish from this realm all those who wish humanity harm. My cells take no prisoners. Because, while this fight will be a struggle, we can do it, in Microsoft Excel!

In terms of Microsoft Excel proficiency, on a scale of 1 to 5, I’d say I am a solid 3. This is guidance for those just being exposed to Microsoft Excel. Habits and tips to use now as you progress through spreadsheet mastery. What follows below is a roadmap for those wishing to adopt this tool to their lives. To bring a measure of order to the sea of chaos. To proudly build our Tower of Babel, in defiance of those who wish to see humanity subjected to a destitute existence. To those who wish to peak into the very heart of this universe. Take my hand, as I show you how you can do it, in Microsoft Excel!

• Don’t be a little bitch. Save your spreadsheet as a MACRO-enabled worksheet. If you’re not using MACROS, your punk-ass needs to grow up. We’re in the fight of our lives! Weakness is a curable condition, with a chronic prognosis. Take that first leap into scripting and behold the kingdom at your fingertips.

• Fences make good neighbors. And borders make good spreadsheets. But be creative. There’s no shortage of ways to guide the human eye. But always guide towards the light, with courage as your guide.

• When making graphs, remember to resize the text. Err on the side of too big. And, truly consider the chart type that best fits your message.

• I am adventurous with the text alignment. It’s instinctual. Raw. Left and Right are fun. Too much centering is usually a symptom of idol worship of the “middle ground.” Do not be afraid of keeping things off the center. Trust your instincts. And remember vertical alignment!

• High performers will understand the benefit of using colors on the spreadsheet. Make this a habit early on. And make the habit too, of working the whole color pallet.

• Keep an eye on the decimal count. Anything more than two is usually a sign of cowardice. Understand the problem well enough to know what level of accuracy is needed. Then make a judgement call and stick by it. This is Microsoft Excel. This is the big leagues. Deserve the power you command.

• Skip A1. Animal sacrifice. In fact, skip the left most column and top row. This helps the spreadsheet feel less crowded.

• A detour into programming MACROS is beyond the scope of this class. I’ll just add that in my opinion, a sheet should either use cell formulas or MACROS. If possible, avoid mutts. This makes following the flow of the sheet easier for the future user. There are always exceptions to these types of rules. And I expect this to be controversial. But you don’t get into the rap game to make friends.

These tips should get anyone off the sidelines and into the match.

Join us, as we stand on the shores of destiny. Our mission, the perpetual and just universe. Our tool, the light of human spirit and the knowledge that we can do it, we can do anything, in Microsoft Excel!