When to Care What Other People Think

By Joseph Stanford

Modern spiritual leaders such as Eckhart Tolle have taught me the importance of living life in the present moment - that is catching yourself whenever you begin feeling anxious about the future or regretful of things that have happened in the past. This has been a major realization for me and posture of mind that I’ve made an effort to incorporate into my own life. I’ve reaped major benefit in terms of my base level happiness and the amount of focus that I can dedicate towards my goals. 

But it felt as if there were pieces to the puzzle that were missing.

“Okay Eckhart, so you’re telling me that all I have to do is live life in the moment at all times and my problems will go away?” Intellectually I understand that if the mind has no psychological time, the “me” or the ego cannot exist and there will be no conflict. This makes sense. But how feasible is it really to live life completely in the moment? Humans have goals and passions, things that must planned for.

A binary model of the ego - that is that it either exist or does not exist - isn't a practical one. The ego cannot be dealt with by solely by flipping a switch to turn it off. Sometimes it needs to be managed. I cannot live life without using the word “I”.

Recently i’ve been introduced to a new facet of mental posturing. And although I always knew it to be true intellectually, I’ve never really implemented it into my heart and gut. The concept is not caring what other people think. A concept so obviously true, however I’ve never completely internalized the meaning. 

Anthony De Mello, and incredible author who's an native of India and Jesuit priest said the following in his book “The Way to Love, Meditations for Life”

“Recall the kind of feeling you have when someone praises you, when you are approved, accepted and applauded. And contrast that with the kind of feeling that arises within you when you look at the sunset or the sunrise or Nature in general, or when you read a book or watch a movie that you thoroughly enjoy. Get the taste of this feeling and contrast it with the first…Understand that the first type of feeling comes from self glorification, self promotion. It is a world feeling. The second comes from self fulfillment, a soul feeling.”

World feelings vs soul feeling. Seeing this contrast spelled out so clearly was a jaw dropping moment for me. Why did this realization not come earlier in my 28 years of existence. 

DeMello continues,

“Here is another contrast: Recall the kind of feeling you have when you succeed, when you have made it, when you get to the top, when you win a game or a bet or an argument. And contrast it with the kind of feeling you get when you really enjoy the job you are doing, you are absorbed in the action that you are currently engaged in. And once again notice the qualitative difference between the worldly feeling and the soul feeling.”

Here DeMello describes two forms of happiness - world feelings and soul feelings. Which type should we revel in and welcome into our lives and which one should we be cautious of?

DeMello Answers,

“…Attempt to understand the true nature of world feelings, namely, the feelings of self promotion and self glorification. They are not natural, they were invented by your society and your culture to make you productive and to make you controllable. These feelings do not produce the nourishment and happiness that is produced when one contemplates Nature or enjoys the company one’s friends or one’s work. They were meant to produce thills, excitement - and emptiness”

“..these excitements that only produce emptiness, the desire for attention, approval, fame, popularity, success or power”

Ends Demello.

In other words, anytime you find yourself caught in emotions, positive or negative, take a critical look at the root of the feeling. Ask yourself if in a hypothetical world where you were the only inhabitant, could this feeling exist? And if the answer is no then the emotion may be an unnecessary and poisonous illusion.

This is in agreement with one of Scott Adam’s biggest principles, and one of the most common forms of Loserthink - assuming that you know what other people are thinking. That you can read minds with any sort of accuracy whatsoever. This is a huge fallacies in human existence. By caring what other people think, and letting our emotional condition depend on those assumptions, we are by definition basing our emotional state on assumptions that will more often than not be wrong. This is a collective insanity. 

With that being said, a critical question arises. Is there ever a utility in caring what other people think? There’s nothing wrong with having goals and principles, or rules that you and only you have decided to live by. Maybe there is utility in considering someone else’s opinion of you. Consider situations where it aids in achieving you’re own preteritmined, well thought out goals?

An example of this could be optimizing one’s physical appearance. The better someone looks, the more doors society opens for them. A cold truth but a truth nonetheless. A better physical appearance changes how people respond to you and how much influence you have over the world. Maybe its in the eyes of a boss, a business partner, a friend, or potential mate.  In that event, one cares about their appearance not for egotistical reasons, but rather as a skill set or tool for achieving their long term goals. Mastery comes in the form of walking this line without falling into the depths of ego indulgence.

I feel as though i’ve uncovered the big hairy elephant in the center of my mind’s room. In response I’ve began to form a habit, or condition a pavlovian response. Whenever I hear the bell of my mind go off telling me i’m happy, I ask myself - what is the cause of this happiness? Is it a worldly cause like self promotion or self glorification in the eyes of others? a thrill that will create short term boosts, but will lower my baseline happiness? or is it from a more genuine place. These are questions I try to entertain when the bell goes off in my head.

What are some other examples of when caring about what other people think about you make sense?