Griptaphone

By: Jimmy Hackett

The year is 3030. Behold the griptaphone; mankind’s greatest achievement.

Speak loudly and clearly into the griptaphone.

When you scream into the griptaphone, it laughs.

When you cry into the griptaphone, it laughs.

When you laugh into the griptaphone, it laughs.

When a griptaphone is asked a question, it responds with the perfect answer, disguised in gibberish. The speaker can only take solace in knowing that the griptaphone did not remain silent. The answer exists. The griptaphone does not answer paradoxes, nor does it answer any other nonsense questions, because such questions cannot be answered. And griptaphones cannot do the impossible.

Griptaphones are impeccable conversationalists. Griptaphones always have an interesting question to ask. And many people enjoy being the center of attention when a griptaphone is present.

But be careful. You cannot lie to a griptaphone. It is a rule.

Griptaphones will not speak to one another. Griptaphones prefer to work alone.

Griptaphones were a sensation at first, but now they rarely find much use.

Most griptaphones wind up in the garbage, where they heckle walker-byes with insightful questions.

 Before a griptaphone dies, it says its final words.

And after a griptaphone dies, it cannot be brought back to life.

Some people wonder if there is an afterlife for griptaphones. Some people have even asked griptaphones this question. But, of course, the people could not understand the answer. We only know that the answer exists.